Because I was (and still am) afraid.
Because I was disillusioned, distracted, wanted so desperately to live “normally”. (What does normal even MEAN anyway?! I could give you my version, but that’s just specific to my situation)
Because I like to deny, like most of us do, that anything is wrong. Pretend until I can’t pretend any longer, until the body speaks for itself, and I have nowhere to hide.
I woke up yesterday and none of this was ok.
I went to bed last night and ALL of it was ok. I won’t always be willing, I won’t always be motivated to do what needs to be done, I won’t always be this glowing orb of positive energy. It’ll be painful. I’ll have my Job moments, probably curse my existence a lot, among other things…but that’s only temporary. It’s all temporary.
I got so tired of hearing that from others, but now I’m turning it on myself.
Because it’s true, and it’s real, and it has to happen.
Healing is a foreign word, concept. It’s not affiliated with anything I’ve really experienced. I was once very close, almost enough to taste it…and I let it slip through my fingers, completely taken for granted.
I’m ready to suffer, and ready to hope…
(sorrynotsorry for continuing to reference this Florence song- it’s just really really appropriate and powerful)