January 11, 2013

Someone still loves you Richard Nixon

My friends know me too well. Also, let's talk about how I entertained the title of this post as the title of this BLOG for about three months. Seriously.

Dear Mr. Nixon:

Oh, pardon (no pun intended)…Mr. President? Must we maintain political formality despite your, shall we say, shrewdly timed resignation? Do doctors uphold their titles post-practice? Can I just call you Richard? Rick? Is that cool man?


Before we get to the meat of it, let’s talk some sun. Desegregation of schools?  Hardly an easy undertaking. High five. Endorsement of the ERA? Sweet deal, even if you were a little late on the bandwagon. (To your credit, you appointed more ladies the administration than our boy LBJ, so, like, madprops or something). You tried to sort out the whole Vietnam debacle, and that had to be more than five kinds of crazy. You did some good in office, ok? Pat on the back. I could go on, lauding your mild achievements and even successes, but that would take more than eighteen and a half minutes and you and I both know we don’t have that kind of time (Rosemary did though? Whatababe). And anyway, that’s not why you’re my favorite president.

Look, I’m not here to bash you. Everyone knows 1972-74 were some of the, erm, trickiest years of your presidential career, save the reelection. That must’ve been quite a thrill. OH but that wasn’t enough. No no. Had to push that envelope. Aaaaand…WATERGATE. I MEAN. I can’t even. A burglary?! A freaking burglary and those meddling Washington Post people and their pornographically nicknamed informant that turned things upside down. Next thing you know there are names and lists and tapes and slush funds…silly goose! That’s exactly what you are.

I won’t bore you with the details as I’m sure you’re more than well acquainted with every single thing, considering you were at the center, scandal plaguing you far beyond your years in office. Probably the rest of your life. Hey, don’t look at me, I wasn’t there. Not even BORN. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Thanks for the good times, and also the infamy of your presidency that will forever run through the veins of America’s political history. Thanks for building some serious trust with the citizens of this country, and then completely destroying it. And lying boldface. You’re a great and terrible man, Dick. You’re a TOTAL crook (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise), a ballsy guy, and have a really awkward/sultry voice (because I definitely don’t listen to your 1969 inaugural address on vinyl every so often, or ever). You crack me up in the best way possible, because who knew a Yorba Linda native would rock a nation with such blatant scandal?

Way to wife that Patty though. I almost changed my name once.
Oh, and Checkers was pretty cute.

Again, happy belated from your most sincere heckler admirer

PS Jimmy Page shares your birthday, except he’s definitely 31 years younger. It’s kind of overwhelming to be alive on January 9th because hello Zeppelin vs . Nixon. WHAT DO I EVEN DO WITH MYSELF?! …I obviously survived though, and have for the past 22 years…I’ll probably just keep doing that. In the meantime, chin up. Or, you know. Don’t turn too much in your grave. No one even talks about it anymore except in American history.

PS again you think the so-called ‘smoking gun’ tape was a big deal? Please. Scandals erupt every day now thanks to these newfangled devices called cellular phones with photo/video taking capabilities, and people post them to the twitters and Youtubes, and get caught. At least you could pretend to be innocent for two years, you smooth criminal. 

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You're so sweet (: Thanks friend!


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