August 30, 2012

Bits & Pieces of Me.

This week's B+P is short, sweet, something to savor. For lack of time, and also lack of want to be glued to my computer screen (which is what I do 9hrs a day at work), I merely want to share a simple, refreshing, almost convicting post written by Sara of Pink of Perfection

I jumped into the blogsphere "late" in the game...that is, I've been an avid blog reader for years but never though I had it in me to share anything exciting. I didn't live this exciting life or have an amazing career, and I still don't. But I WAS doing things, and I DID have something to say. I just didn't quite know how to articulate it at the time. 
And I am was scared of computers. HTML, rather. Design. I knew nothing. 
If there's one thing I know about myself, I mean am ACUTELY aware of, is that I'm afraid of uncertainty. Almost to a fault. Some days I find myself plunging into the unknown with this attitude of ihavenoideawhati'mdoingbutit'sfine,really. Like, I GOT this. No problem. 
And then the days, more often than not, when I'm so nervous about small, inconsequential things that I've never done before (so I do my research, and ask a million questions, and STILL feel anxious)...those days. The kind that kept me from writing for three years. That kept me from painting for four. That kept me from delving into my passions and experimenting and DOING and BEING for so long. That kept me from starting a blog until six months ago. 
And even now, I don't have it all figured out. 
I'm still learning how to balance this burst of creative ambition with school and a full-time job and best friends in other cities/states and life in general. How to STAY balanced when the unexpected happens, a wrench is thrown in the gears, and more uncertainty arises. 
Look, it's not like I'm ever going to have it all figured out. Be prepared for every little thing. No one will. That's not life. But I'm hoping to find my place. And that's the biggest thing...six months in, and I still don't feel like this space is MINE. Sure, my name is there. I write the words, take the photos, post the ness. 
But it's not ME. 
Not yet. 
But it will be, in time. With practice, patience, grace. 
Authenticity. Something that should've topped yesterday's Five Things list. 
There's so much to say, so much REALITY to throw out there. And the internet is a good place to hide. 

When I started this blog (which is still such a weird word to me, you guys) I wanted it to be just that. A place to radiate all the positivity and false bravado I could muster from the other side of a computer screen. To create this version of myself that people were drawn to, maybe even liked...but what good does that do when you only have half the story? I realize I'm allowed to share as much or as little as I want. But my biggest struggle, here, is this lack of authenticity, the other half of the story; the half I haven't shared. PS how dramatic am I being right now? HA. 

Those in my close circle know I have health issues, and have struggled for almost my entire life. So many doctors, tests run, misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis. Stomach problems that won't.go.away. And it's partially my fault. And partially some unnamed thing that no one can put their finger on. 

So every day is a battle. I've fought myself on writing this post, putting these words down for you to read and interpret, because I wanted to keep it hidden. I wanted to be that carefree girl who's just owning at life. Because even if I explained the details of my physical situation, you wouldn't understand, because the story is so complex and twisted I can hardly understand it myself. I just live it one day at a time. 

Here's what I CAN say: most of the time I feel physically terrible, and there's a mental component to that; the days when you just feel like you can't take any more. I was fortunate enough to do some traveling before things got really bad, but being in this place I'm at, being so makes me wish for those times. When things were simpler. When I didn't have to worry about whether or not I could schedule a trip or a date or go to a show because I didn't know if I'd be excruciatingly ill. 

I kind of live in a box, guys. One that has kept me from living a full life for too many years. One that is fraught with uncertainty, setbacks, and inthemoment misery. One that, with the help of (FINALLY) the right doctors, I'm slowly but surely busting out of.

It's scary, it hurts a lot, it's not safe, but it's good. So so good. Honestly, I'm writing this because I need to look back and remember the fight I have in me on the "bad" days, which right now grossly outweigh the "good". And because if you're looking for frills and surface-level entertainment, you won't find it here. I'm all for sharing amazing finds across the internet, but things like Pinterest and Tumblr give me a freaking headache. And today, even my own version of "things I'm loving this week" was just too much to pull together. 

That's not to say it's gloom and doom from here on out. I won't be posting health updates. I completely respect the people who have the boldness to do that, but this space, MY space, isn't for that. It never was. I just wanted a moment of realtalk with you amazing people who've honored me with your time in reading about my ridiculousness. There will be plenty of fun and hope and art and tiny adventures shared. And whatever else, who even knows.

For now, these bits and pieces of me, these strands of uncertainty bound up in a life of struggle, a life onthego, are enough. Soon they'll be knit up into a big ol' blanket of courage. 
And soon, like right now, I'll stop making corny analogies. 
I'm ready for something new. 
Happy Thursday lovelies. I mean it. 

1 comment:

  1. this is the stuff you can write about in your personal journal. then you can decide what elements, if any you want to share with others. get it?


You're so sweet (: Thanks friend!


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