My friends know me too well. Also, let's talk about how I entertained the title of this post as the title of this BLOG for about three months. Seriously.
Dear Mr. Nixon:
Oh, pardon (no pun intended)…Mr. President? Must we maintain political formality despite
your, shall we say, shrewdly timed resignation? Do doctors uphold their titles
post-practice? Can I just call you Richard? Rick? Is that cool man?
PS HAPPY BELATED 100th BIRTHDAY!
Before we get to the meat of it, let’s talk some sun. Desegregation of
schools? Hardly an easy undertaking.
High five. Endorsement of the ERA? Sweet deal, even if you were a little late
on the bandwagon. (To your credit, you appointed more ladies the administration
than our boy LBJ, so, like, madprops or something). You tried to sort out the
whole Vietnam debacle, and that had to be more than five kinds of crazy. You
did some good in office, ok? Pat on the back. I could go on, lauding your mild
achievements and even successes, but that would take more than eighteen and a
half minutes and you and I both know we don’t have that kind of time (Rosemary
did though? Whatababe). And anyway, that’s not why you’re my favorite
president.
Look, I’m not here to bash you. Everyone knows 1972-74 were some of
the, erm, trickiest years of your presidential career, save the reelection.
That must’ve been quite a thrill. OH but that wasn’t enough. No no. Had to push
that envelope. Aaaaand…WATERGATE. I MEAN. I can’t even. A burglary?! A freaking burglary and those
meddling Washington Post people and their pornographically nicknamed informant
that turned things upside down. Next thing you know there are names and lists
and tapes and slush funds…silly goose! That’s exactly what you are.
I won’t bore you with the details as I’m sure you’re more than well
acquainted with every single thing, considering you were at the center, scandal
plaguing you far beyond your years in office. Probably the rest of your life.
Hey, don’t look at me, I wasn’t there. Not even BORN. I just wanted to wish you
a happy birthday. Thanks for the good times, and also the infamy of your
presidency that will forever run through the veins of America’s political
history. Thanks for building some serious trust with the citizens of this
country, and then completely destroying it. And lying boldface. You’re a great
and terrible man, Dick. You’re a TOTAL crook (don’t let anyone tell you
otherwise), a ballsy guy, and have a really awkward/sultry voice (because I
definitely don’t listen to your 1969 inaugural address on vinyl every so often,
or ever). You crack me up in the best way possible, because who knew a Yorba
Linda native would rock a nation with such blatant scandal?
Way to wife that Patty though. I almost changed my name once.
Oh, and Checkers was pretty cute.
Again, happy belated from your most sincere heckler admirer
xo
PS Jimmy Page shares your birthday, except he’s definitely 31 years
younger. It’s kind of overwhelming to be alive on January 9th
because hello Zeppelin vs . Nixon. WHAT DO I EVEN DO WITH MYSELF?! …I obviously
survived though, and have for the past 22 years…I’ll probably just keep doing
that. In the meantime, chin up. Or, you know. Don’t turn too much in your
grave. No one even talks about it anymore except in American history.
PS again you think the so-called ‘smoking gun’ tape was a big deal?
Please. Scandals erupt every day now thanks to these newfangled devices called
cellular phones with photo/video taking capabilities, and people post them to
the twitters and Youtubes, and get caught. At least you could pretend to be
innocent for two years, you smooth criminal.
